There are times in our life that we feel lost and we feel nothing.
Siguro yun yung mga oras na wala tayong pake sa mundo. Ayaw natin makihalubilo and makielam sa mga bagay bagay. Yung mga panahong gusto mo lang matulog, makinig sa music at titigan ang kisame.
Siguro ang akin lang, I miss yung times na I feel something. I feel loved, I feel pain, I feel something. Technically speaking, I feel something naman currently pero it’s not the same kung manggagaling yun sa isang specific na tao. Kasi no matter how painful a person make you feel, iba padin yung joy na pinaparamdam nila sayo,
What I’m saying is, I miss knowing what path to take. Yung mga daan na alam mong mali or masakit pero dadaanan mo kasi it’s for her/his sake. Kasi no matter what pain, doon ka masaya so yung pain bale wala kasi yung reason mo pa lang, it says everything “You love the person”. Walang explainations, walang reasons, walang liko liko, basta pag sinabi mong mahal mo, it’s enough.
It’s been a while since I opened my tumblr blog. Medyo kalat na kasi yung current blog ko at ang dami nang nakakabasa na kilala ko especially yung mga taong involved sa mga rants at drama ko. Oh well papel. Public site naman ‘to so fault ko if nagppost ako ng personal stuff dito na dapat hindi makita ng iba.
Wala lang. I tried using other blog site pero wit ko bet. In the end I miss tumblr. Kaya ayun. Kahit ang dami na ang nakakaalam ng blog ko, Push lang. Hayaan na natin.
Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was a drizzle and she was a hurricane.
John Green (Looking For Alaska)
May mga pagkakataon talaga na kapag pinipilit mo ng kalimutan ang isang bagay o tao, mas lalo mong mapapansin yung mga bagay na may connect sa kaniya. Katulad ng
- Nagssoundtrip ka, on shuffle, at biglang nagplay yung song mo sa kaniya or song niyo or whatever
- Nakita mo yung post or tweet niya sa isang social networking site na masaya, nag-eenjoy, habang ikaw hirap na hirap makalimot.
- Nakikita mo yung mga bagay na binigay niya sayo na pakalat kalat sa kwarto.
- Nagkkwento yung kaibigan mong insensitive tungkol sa kaniya.
- Yung may makikita or makikilala kang kamukha or kahawig niya. Tapos yung mga kaibigan mo aasarin ka pa. Sige.
- Yung moment na makikita mo siya. Tapos nagpapanic ka sa utak mo kasi hindi mo alam kung anong gagawin, anong sasabihin, kung tatakbo na lang ba palayo or magkukunwaring hindi nakita.
Hihintayin ko na lang yung panahong magsasawa akong isiping hindi dapat ganito kasi alam kong I could do so much better than this. Hihintayin na lang kitang magsawang magmatigas at sabihin na ang lahat ng concerns mo sakin at sa ibang tao. HIhintayin ko na lang yung panahong tanggap mo na kung ano yung reality and what was really meant for you.
Until then, I’m just here. Waiting.
After all this years, my routine never changed. At first I want things. While on it, suddenly I give up and say, “Nah, I’m bored. Come what may”. After that I end up regretting I let go without even starting.
I want to change my life. I don’t want to be this stupid girl that messes up everything and regrets everything. At some point in life, I wanna feel proud of myself. I know I can do better but I don’t do it. I wanna prove to myself I’m someone who doesn’t give up, someone who works hard to reach her goals, someone who runs and chase her big dreams.
I hope this isn’t just a dream that I wished that never came true. I hope that in years, if I was able to read this, I can say I’m proud of myself and I’m happy.